Shelf Request #03

I recommend 20 books for readers navigating grief

I need some books to help my best friend. Her mum has died and she was such an amazing woman. Can you recommend some for me please?

I am so sorry to hear of her - and your - loss. You are a kind friend.

I will always remember the first letter we got about grief, on The High Low. A listener called Rachel wrote in to ask if there were any other listeners who had lost a parent in their 20s and wanted to talk. The response was huge and we began connecting listeners with one another. From there, Rachel created The Grief Network - a community for bereaved young adults.

After that, it was like the floodgates opened. Every single week we received - and I still receive - messages asking for books about grief. The reason why I get the same question, over and over again, is because you don’t write down the names of grief books, when you don’t need them. Who wants to read a sad book? But the inevitable truth is that at some point, we all will need the sad book, for the sad part of life. And even when you don’t need the sad book for yourself, those books are still worth reading, and recommending. (I find that reading books about death, teaches you so much about life.)

I keep a small shelf of books ready to send out to friends when they lose someone they love. (I steer clear of flowers because of the faff for the bewildered recipient.) I’ve answered the question about the loss of a parent, but I’ve also expanded it out into many types of grief, so that this list is as useful for as many readers as possible.

NB: I am obviously not an expert and these are just those that I’ve read (or heard about) and thought were good. Also NB: different things resonate for different people - when I send a friend a book, I always include the caveat that if the contents pisses them off or makes them feel crap, to just chuck it out the window.

As ever, please do add your own reccs in the Comments box - I’d love to keep updating this resource for people in need.

The loss of a parent

It’s Your Loss by Emma Hopkinson and Robyn Donaldson Robyn and Emma both lost their maternal figures in their mid-twenties (for Robyn, it was a grandmother who parented her in place of an absent mum), and they coped with loss very differently: Robyn shared her feelings openly, while Emma liked to keep them private. With the help of psych Dr Sheetal Dandgey, they explore the nuances of mother loss, for eg - what do you do when everyone thinks enough time has passed and you’re Totally Fine?

Notes on Grief by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie Initially a piece for The New Yorker, in this short book, the author reflects on the sudden loss of her father. Her grief is a physical thing, “grounded in body memory”.

You Are Not Alone by Cariad Lloyd From the creator of Griefcast, comes a a part memoir - Cariad lost her father aged 15 - and a book about the science and psychology of death and loss. If you’d like a primer, listen to my interview with Cariad last year or dip into Griefcast’s large back catalogue.

The Wild Other by Clover Stroud A raw, poetic memoir about a maternal loss that hits in agonising increments. Clover’s mother fell off her horse when her daughter was 16, was in a coma for 22 years, and then died when Clover was a mum herself. This is about the slow burn, or the long tail, of loss and grief.

Grief Is The Thing With Feathers by Max Porter A work of experimental fiction about two young boys who lose their mother and their baffled, distraught father. Grief “is everything” writes Max. “It is the fabric of selfhood, and beautifully chaotic”.

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The loss of a sibling

The Last Act of Love: The Story of My Brother and His Sister by Cathy Rentzenbrink Cathy has written several books about grief and healing with gentle wisdom. Cathy’s brother Matty was knocked over by a car when he was 16. He remained in a vegetative state for 8 yrs, before dying. A beautiful and harrowing memoir about how her family survived his accident, his half-life and his death.

Here Comes The Miracle by Anna Beecher This is a novel inspired by Anna’s real life. It’s about a young man called Joe, beloved older to brother to the narrator, Emily, who is diagnosed with a terminal illness. There’s a dual narrative going on, that I saw someone liken to Tin Man, which is a very accurate comparison - as it’s written with the same heart-breaking clarity and imagination.

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The loss of a spouse

The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion Written in 2004 in the immediate aftermath of the sudden death of her husband - while her daughter Quintana lay in a coma - this is a seminal book about mourning and marriage. “Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it… We might expect that we will be prostrate, inconsolable, crazy with loss. We do not expect to be literally crazy, cool customers who believe their husband is about to return and need his shoes.”

Languages of Loss: A Psychotherapist's Journey Through Grief by Sasha Bates Sasha is both therapist and widow in this book, exploring the therapeutic techniques that help and those that hinder. Most helpfully of all, she includes a list of what to say and do/ not say and do. For eg, do: look in their diary and cancel everything for them. Don’t: expect a cup of tea when you visit someone grieving. Make it yourself, make them one too, and wash up the mugs, after.

A Pocketful of Happiness, by Richard E. Grant I haven’t read this one yet, but it comes on strong recommendation from a friend, who recently lost her mother. The actor lost his wife, Joan, in 2021. My former pod wife Dolly describes it as “an intimate and heartfelt story of love, loss and a life spent together”.

A Grief Observed by C. S. Lewis A seminal book on grief. Having plucked it off my bookshelf to write this newsletter, I’ve now begun reading again. Written in 1960 by the Narnia author, it’s an eloquent, honest roar of despair about the death of his wife after just four years of marriage and his subsequent crisis of Christian faith. “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear… The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning.”

The Madness of Grief by the Reverend Richard Coles I have only read an extract of this, but it looks like a particularly helpful book for those with a loved one with addiction. Richard’s partner David died from an alcoholic liver disease and Richard grapples with the complexities of this movingly and honestly. (This interview is an insight into what you can expect from the book.)

The Hot Young Widows Club: Lessons on Survival from the Front Lines of Grief by Nora McInerny In the span of a few weeks, Nora lost her husband, her unborn baby, and her father. I have not read this one, but I’ve seen it described as an honest and funny book about finding yourself in the wake of imaginable loss.

Isaac and the Egg A tender, imaginative novel by my Book Chat co-host, Bobby Palmer, about 29-year-old Isaac, deranged with grief, trying to come to terms with the loss of his wife with the help of a mythical egg.

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The loss of a child

A Heart That Works by Rob Delaney The comedian writes about the loss of his 2-year-old son, Henry, with visceral anger - dispelling the weirdly held idea that grief is quiet and graceful. The “People who say, ‘Everything happens for a reason’, can fuck off to a frigid cave”. I love the way he talks about his son - the beautiful shape of his head; the weight of it in his palm. For a primer, read this vg interview.

Once More We Saw Stars: A Memoir by Jayson Greene A heart-breaking but beautifully written book about the loss of 2-yer-old Greta after a freak accident. For those of you who think these books sound “too sad”, I think that the least we can do is bear witness to this grief. It also means that if you hear of someone enduring the unimaginable pain of child loss, you have some resources on hand.

Billy, Me and You: A Memoir of Grief & Recovery by Nicola Streeten Nicola’s son Billy was also 2 when he died. Thirteen years later, she went through her diary and turned it into a graphic novel. For people who struggle to sit down and read text - particularly material like this - this is excellent. My best friend asked me to read it when her young son died, because she felt seen by it.

Beyond Grief: Navigating the Journey of Pregnancy and Baby Loss, edited by Pippa Vosper A de-mythologising of the hierarchy of grief around miscarriage and baby loss, from dozens of contributors. “It is a common assumption that an early loss cannot possibly be as traumatic as a later loss. we can never know this, as we cannot feel the pain of the parents” writes Pippa. The multiperspectivity of this book is so useful. I’ve gifted it to multiple friends.

If Not For You, by Georgina Lucas “If I were to look closely at the jagged edges of my fragmented heart, I'm sure I'd see that some spaces now shine with gold. And that is what he left for me”, writes Georgina, of her baby son, Grey, who was born in 2019. A tender, beautiful book about Grey’s 21 days on earth and how navigated her unbearable loss.

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Books about all types of grief

How to Live when a Loved One Dies by Thich Nhat Hanh A book about healing by a Zen master. For someone who likes to process things in stages, this book will offer a helpful clarity, moving through the emotions and stages of grief (though in a slightly less entrenched way than the Kübler Ross model.)

Grief Works: Stories of Life, Death and Surviving by Julia Samuel This is the book that I have sent out the most. Bereavement therapist Julia Samuel examines grief in all its flavours, with different chapter for each experience of loss - from that of a parent, to a child, to a spouse and more. “There is no right or wrong in grief: we need to accept whatever form it takes, both in ourselves and in others.”