I am listening to this now while ill in bed. It seems to me that: very shortly after her father died, revealing $40m of debt and not having told anyone he was back taking diet amphetamines even though they were very dangerous with his heart condition... she chose someone who ended up holding onto a similar size of secret self.
We do that stuff; trying to heal a childhood wound by repeating it and trying to make the story come out different. NONE of it is her fault, he is responsible for his own behaviour entirely. It is just heartbreaking how we can be drawn to someone who will repeat something for us.
I think I read somewhere that Belle said her ex husband's relationship with their children is 'friendly'. And so it tracks that he thinks it's 'wonderful', it's easy to have a wonderful relationship with children when you are never really responsible for them: how can they stay overnight when there is no bedroom for them? You never have to punish them or set limits. Presumably there's no dinners at home either, it's a public relationship a few hours at a time.
I feel badly for the children, but they know who their primary parent is.
I am sure the kids are fine - many kids have far less - but at the same time, my heart still breaks for them, because for your father who is very rich to not keep a bedroom for you in his home is likely to leave a scar on your teenage psyche
This is so true. My father took a similar route: didn’t want anything—house, wife, or kids, so, to facilitate our continued relationship with him (we were 13, 10, and 3 when he left), my mom tolerated family vacations, him visiting for holidays, sometimes staying in the house with us. He never once had to parent on his own—and when she stopped facilitating it his relationship with the three of us ended. He died in 2016 not having seen any of his (now grown, two with kids) children since 2004.
I've been reluctant to read this - I was married for a long time and my ex walked out six months after our 25th anniversary. He had cheated on me four times that I know of - he traveled often for work and I suspect there were more women in the cities he visited regularly, but I'll never know. Met him at 21, dated for four years, married at 25, he left when I was 50. That was five years ago. He dragged the divorce out for two years, costing me a ton of money that was totally unnecessary. I have not seen him or spoken a word to him in four years - after that first year of sorting, there was nothing to discuss-our boys were grown, there was no custody to manage, we didn't have much to split, it was pretty straightforward. My point is - my ex reminds me of Belle's ex - the casual setting aside of a person you shared a whole life with is baffling to me. When mine left that night after he made his announcement that he no longer loved me, never felt loved by me and wanted a different life, he drove from our family place to her place while I stayed a few months to figure out my next steps and he was livid that I got to stay someplace familiar, said it wasn't fair that he had to give up everything and I wasn't moving fast enough. I still remember that conversation, like something had been done TO him, not him setting these events in motion. Since then, everything he has done has been equally baffling to me - I don't know if I never knew him at all in those 30 years together, although how someone can keep up such a thorough charade for that long I don't know, or if something changed that dramatically and at age 52 he genuinely no longer wanted the life we had and was in fact able to walk away. We had lived in a high rise in a big urban city our whole married life, raised city kids, and when he left he and the girlfriend bought a huge house on a lot of land and started growing all their own food - that was never ever something he had expressed the slightest interest in doing - just a small example. One more insight - I don't get to act completely blindsided given that he cheated multiple times before and I tolerated it. I chose to allow that behavior, so I have to own up to that part of the story too. Which is harder-to frame the story such that you are the complete victim and this pronouncement came completely out of the blue, that's it's ALL the other person's fault, or that you too were complicit in weaving a less-than-honest relationship because you allowed/tolerated behaviors that you shouldn't have, that you often looked the other way, in the interest of keeping your family intact but these actions were deeply unhealthy and you too participated in that? Honestly is painful and difficult - it has been for me.
Honestly, you should write a book. Many many women forgive their cheating spouses and wonder where their relationship will end up - many more wonder about the psychology of women who do that. You have a lot of very valuable insights. Your book would sell.
I agree, and I meant to reply, Dana, to thank you for sharing this. It might sound like an incredibly obvious thing to say, but I can’t help but notice, and not just in your story and Burden’s story, but many other stories I’ve been sent… how many quarter centuries are going on here: married at approx 25, exiting his entire existing life at approx 50. Could this be a mid-life crisis? Or is it insulting to suggest it? I’m just thinking that crises don’t always come with a fast car and a tight new shirt, but a desire for a TOTALLY new identity (so swapping in high-rise for countryside.) Btw, I think it’s really admirable of you to hold yourself accountable for the part you played in forgiving him. I understand entirely why you did. You wanted it to work and you thought every time might be the last. That’s human.
Thanks for the reply. It truly would be much easier in my head to craft a narrative where I was a fine wife and was completely SHOCKED at his announcement, but that's not the whole truth. If he cheated once and I allowed it, what's to prevent that behavior from continuing? Clearly I showed how little respect I had for myself, what I would tolerate, what he could get away with. With regard to the midlife crisis - there's something there - I have seven friends with versions of this same story - no exaggeration. Our husbands (we are all straight women in male-female marriages) all hit early 50s and lost their minds - affairs all around - some more spectacular than others, and then dragging out the divorces to cost considerable time and money for both of them when it's what they wanted. It's truly baffling to me. One refused to pay tuition for their own children, one moved to another state and went completely no contact with any of their former family, one married the affair partner as quickly as they could and continued their same life just with her (like attending the same church as they did with their former wife and kids and were quite surprised the congregation wasn't on board), one makes shared custody a complete mess all the time despite not being involved in the care of the kids at all when they were under the same roof. My point being each of the husbands became a person we didn't know pretty radically and pretty quickly, and we are left with the confusion of "did I ever really know this person? were they pretending all along? who does that and why?" OR "what happened to make someone walk away from 25+ years of a family that they claimed to want and actively participated in and now are sabotaging and building something so different with no visible care for the damage they have done?" And at the same time wondering if we should have cut and run the first time bad behavior was discovered years ago versus trying to repair and continue the marriage. No idea what the right call is for any of us.
As someone who had a pandemic induced divorce I found her descriptions riveting. When her mother tells her to ‘cut him out like a cancer’ she wasn’t wrong! I also loved the parallel love story with her stepmother who really steps up as a solid pillar of strength throughout.
Oh wow - I bet different bits shone out to you, then, we all bring our contexts as readers. (Also I’m so sorry for what must have been a very tough pandemic.) Totally forgot to mention the stepmother, and totally agree - she is a bright spot in the book.
I LOVED this book - it was one of those that lived up to the hype! I found it so striking that she often described her husband as caring and loving towards the children, but when she described his actual actions and how little he participated in their everyday life, it was a very different picture. As a psychologist, I spent a lot of time thinking about why he left her so abruptly, so surprisingly. There was almost something sociopathic about it. I had the impression that he was wearing the “mask” of the loving husband and father for decades, probably experienced it to be a burden and then when he got the chance, he cast the mask off with evident relief. It’s almost like he saw the chance to get out and leapt at it.
Is your use of the word BURDEN a pun? Yes, he literally walked out of his life without a scratch. It’s completely fascinating. Do you think it’s gendered?
Re whether it’s gendered: yes and no. Based upon what I read in the book and this extreme and aggressive change in his personality from one day to the other, I would assume that the ex has a personality disorder. Women can very much have personality disorders as well, but they often manifest somewhat differently I’d say, because of how men and women have been raised and socialised. His is a very masculine way of behaving in my opinion and the shocking part to me is how several people in their social circle seem to accept it as normal behaviour.
Re the “burden” pun: it was semi intentional - I realised I had written it before hitting send but decided to leave it in and see if anyone spots it 😅
So interesting, thank you Zsófi. It feels like it’s both a patriarchal response (men move, women accommodate) but also one of high society, where, and this is true in aristocracy, too, endless accommodations are made for traumatic behaviour because privacy and elegance - appearance, basically - are the core values
Ooh yes I love the parallel with the British aristocracy - it’s probably a very similar world, I agree and one with its very strict rules - probably very stiff upper lip as well
I don’t think it was as abrupt as Beth made it out to be. You can see the web of positive excuses she weaves on his behalf - like you mentioned, talking about how friendly of a father the husband was, but having to lay out the facts that he never lifted a finger to parents any of the children. She comes off as a “nice”, non-confrontational doormat people-pleaser. My sense is that if you actually looked at that relationship without Beth’s rose colored glasses, his ultimate non-participation would not have been a huge shocker.
People treat you the way you demand to be treated. May I remind you of the sandwich scene. Instead of throwing that sandwich in the floor and telling him he can eat like the swine he is, she decided to make the best sandwich that ever was made to prove she was lovable. That’s just pitiful. He left the house satiated and emboldened. Better if he left hungry, at least he would have respected her.
Yeah, I appreciated the ending of the book - but somewhere around bthe first third I felt like grabbing her and shaking her by the shoulders. The quote pulled out above: “I don’t do bath, bed or homework.” The way in which he just vetoes her taking up a job she’s interested in with no conversation or discussion even though they have plenty of help. The extreme control of her spending - having her annotate her receipts and steal eggs from hotel buffets all while buying Rolexes and motorcycles and boats. And of course the prenup stuff. Mostly I felt like saying - this is not a surprise - he acted selfishly throughout your marriage, why is it a surprise that he acts selfishly when ending it?
I'm a relationship therapist and my read of 'James' seems different to others. I believe it is too simple to write him off as greedy and manipulative. 20 years is a long time to play the long game.
I believe that Henry constructed a mask for himself detailing who he 'should' be, not at all who he was. He picked up messages from his own father of what not to do. He became the opposite, financially secure and stable. He suppressed his true self. He sublimated his rage through over working. Immersing yourself in work is great way to ignore your screaming inner self but it never lasts.
Belle reflects on how she worked hard to give her children the mother that she would have wanted by remaining a stay at home mum. Both of them overcorrected the poor parenting they received.
My sense is that he snapped and he was likely depressed. Depression isn't a sadness, it numbness. A collapsing of self. He wasn't able to uphold the mask. What emerged was a self who angry and destructive. Extreme lack of empathy is common in and around a depressive episode.
I believe what he says, that it wasn't Belle who caused this. The change was within him. She is quite the innocent victim of what happens if you suppress your self and people please your life away.
Thank you so much for sharing your (fascinating) professional opinion. I agree, I don’t think he was deliberately manipulative for 20 years, or even consciously greedy. Selfish, yes - you can’t abscond from parenting to that degree and not be - and the stuff about the money is strange…. I can only imagine he pretended the dynamic didn’t exist; that he had, in fact, bought everything and was truly the sole earner. Anyway, wary as I am to pathologise anyone (and tried not to in my letter) what you say makes absolute sense. Ultimately, and as incredibly weird as this must be for him, right now, he blew up their lives when he claimed a new self. I think she has the right to blow shit up to claim her new self, too.
I am completely in agreement about her right to reclaim a new self. I really enjoyed this book and found her writing compelling and intimate. Thank you for your recommendation.
I think I would find it incredibly difficult to work with him as a therapist. Entirely abandoning your children would really test my ability to remain non judgemental.
I completely agree with your assessment - my ex-husband left in a similar fashion (although we'd been married just three years with no children) and he had definitely constructed a mask of who he thought he should be (and I should be) and under stress, wasn't able to uphold it. I was only able to read this memoir close to 20 years later because of the distance I have from that experience.
My take is that his leaving had nothing to do with depression, or rage, or any untapped internal reckoning. I think it was ALL about one thing and one thing only - money - HER money. From day one when they met and he had found out about her "bona-fides" and her storied family history - all of it, including the speedy courtship, the early love bombing, followed by the pre-nup and the fact that she purchased both their primary and summer residences with her inheritance but put both in his name - it was indeed a 20+ years-long con. All chillingly calculated and executed with only one virtue - patience.
It’s so satisfying when someone so successfully boils down what makes something land — “it speaks to a collective primal fear: that you can never really know another person.” Astute parting words.
Love this review and this book! I listened on audio and was captivated by Burden's voice - it's almost monotone but brimming with pain. Every time she paid for a house I wanted to scream at her.
I also listened to the audiobook and I loved it! I agree about the almost monotone voice and I think it adds to the experience - she comes across as a gentle and introverted person in a lot of pain.
Every time we talk about the sandwich I just really wait a great sandwich. Like pastrami and Emmental on sourdough or something similarly American and huge
lol yes!! I need to read the book to have more context, it seemed so bizarre that it was all so completely unexpected. Hope your oscopys were/are ok, I feel your pain x
It’s not the only really strange bit, tbf. And thank you - so much - have hardly left the house in 2026 and want to detach my stomach and leave it in a basket somewhere, Chaucer style x
Oh poor you, that’s so miserable and I know exactly what you mean about detaching and leaving in a basket! It’s my Achilles heel too. Hope you get some intel or something. That drink for the prep is so gross! x
I kind of read this book as an indictment of the whole WASPy culture (which I grew up in and ran away from screaming)— that it feels particular to a kind of New England/New York City financial class elite. I have a lot of sympathy for the author — but the book, like the people in it, felt really surface.
AGREE. AGREE and AGREE with everything you wrote, and all the passages you called out. I was fuming by the end of it....in part, because I lived through a similar experience--not quite as dramatically awful...but one that altered my entire financial life....I felt as if Belle wasn't just writing for herself--but on behalf of women, generally.
I read this is one night this week and it has completely taken over my brain. I cannot comprehend just up and leaving EVERYTHING. The children. My god it guts me.
I am listening to this now while ill in bed. It seems to me that: very shortly after her father died, revealing $40m of debt and not having told anyone he was back taking diet amphetamines even though they were very dangerous with his heart condition... she chose someone who ended up holding onto a similar size of secret self.
We do that stuff; trying to heal a childhood wound by repeating it and trying to make the story come out different. NONE of it is her fault, he is responsible for his own behaviour entirely. It is just heartbreaking how we can be drawn to someone who will repeat something for us.
Such a smart observation
Very true!🙏🏻
I think I read somewhere that Belle said her ex husband's relationship with their children is 'friendly'. And so it tracks that he thinks it's 'wonderful', it's easy to have a wonderful relationship with children when you are never really responsible for them: how can they stay overnight when there is no bedroom for them? You never have to punish them or set limits. Presumably there's no dinners at home either, it's a public relationship a few hours at a time.
I feel badly for the children, but they know who their primary parent is.
I am sure the kids are fine - many kids have far less - but at the same time, my heart still breaks for them, because for your father who is very rich to not keep a bedroom for you in his home is likely to leave a scar on your teenage psyche
Hell yes.
This is so true. My father took a similar route: didn’t want anything—house, wife, or kids, so, to facilitate our continued relationship with him (we were 13, 10, and 3 when he left), my mom tolerated family vacations, him visiting for holidays, sometimes staying in the house with us. He never once had to parent on his own—and when she stopped facilitating it his relationship with the three of us ended. He died in 2016 not having seen any of his (now grown, two with kids) children since 2004.
Oof that’s just so tough, Erin. Your mum sounds like a hero 💪🏼❤️
I'm sorry to hear that, but I'm glad you kids were able to pull through!
I've been reluctant to read this - I was married for a long time and my ex walked out six months after our 25th anniversary. He had cheated on me four times that I know of - he traveled often for work and I suspect there were more women in the cities he visited regularly, but I'll never know. Met him at 21, dated for four years, married at 25, he left when I was 50. That was five years ago. He dragged the divorce out for two years, costing me a ton of money that was totally unnecessary. I have not seen him or spoken a word to him in four years - after that first year of sorting, there was nothing to discuss-our boys were grown, there was no custody to manage, we didn't have much to split, it was pretty straightforward. My point is - my ex reminds me of Belle's ex - the casual setting aside of a person you shared a whole life with is baffling to me. When mine left that night after he made his announcement that he no longer loved me, never felt loved by me and wanted a different life, he drove from our family place to her place while I stayed a few months to figure out my next steps and he was livid that I got to stay someplace familiar, said it wasn't fair that he had to give up everything and I wasn't moving fast enough. I still remember that conversation, like something had been done TO him, not him setting these events in motion. Since then, everything he has done has been equally baffling to me - I don't know if I never knew him at all in those 30 years together, although how someone can keep up such a thorough charade for that long I don't know, or if something changed that dramatically and at age 52 he genuinely no longer wanted the life we had and was in fact able to walk away. We had lived in a high rise in a big urban city our whole married life, raised city kids, and when he left he and the girlfriend bought a huge house on a lot of land and started growing all their own food - that was never ever something he had expressed the slightest interest in doing - just a small example. One more insight - I don't get to act completely blindsided given that he cheated multiple times before and I tolerated it. I chose to allow that behavior, so I have to own up to that part of the story too. Which is harder-to frame the story such that you are the complete victim and this pronouncement came completely out of the blue, that's it's ALL the other person's fault, or that you too were complicit in weaving a less-than-honest relationship because you allowed/tolerated behaviors that you shouldn't have, that you often looked the other way, in the interest of keeping your family intact but these actions were deeply unhealthy and you too participated in that? Honestly is painful and difficult - it has been for me.
Honestly, you should write a book. Many many women forgive their cheating spouses and wonder where their relationship will end up - many more wonder about the psychology of women who do that. You have a lot of very valuable insights. Your book would sell.
This is an incredibly interesting response - thankyou Dana. (And Pandora.)
I agree, and I meant to reply, Dana, to thank you for sharing this. It might sound like an incredibly obvious thing to say, but I can’t help but notice, and not just in your story and Burden’s story, but many other stories I’ve been sent… how many quarter centuries are going on here: married at approx 25, exiting his entire existing life at approx 50. Could this be a mid-life crisis? Or is it insulting to suggest it? I’m just thinking that crises don’t always come with a fast car and a tight new shirt, but a desire for a TOTALLY new identity (so swapping in high-rise for countryside.) Btw, I think it’s really admirable of you to hold yourself accountable for the part you played in forgiving him. I understand entirely why you did. You wanted it to work and you thought every time might be the last. That’s human.
Thanks for the reply. It truly would be much easier in my head to craft a narrative where I was a fine wife and was completely SHOCKED at his announcement, but that's not the whole truth. If he cheated once and I allowed it, what's to prevent that behavior from continuing? Clearly I showed how little respect I had for myself, what I would tolerate, what he could get away with. With regard to the midlife crisis - there's something there - I have seven friends with versions of this same story - no exaggeration. Our husbands (we are all straight women in male-female marriages) all hit early 50s and lost their minds - affairs all around - some more spectacular than others, and then dragging out the divorces to cost considerable time and money for both of them when it's what they wanted. It's truly baffling to me. One refused to pay tuition for their own children, one moved to another state and went completely no contact with any of their former family, one married the affair partner as quickly as they could and continued their same life just with her (like attending the same church as they did with their former wife and kids and were quite surprised the congregation wasn't on board), one makes shared custody a complete mess all the time despite not being involved in the care of the kids at all when they were under the same roof. My point being each of the husbands became a person we didn't know pretty radically and pretty quickly, and we are left with the confusion of "did I ever really know this person? were they pretending all along? who does that and why?" OR "what happened to make someone walk away from 25+ years of a family that they claimed to want and actively participated in and now are sabotaging and building something so different with no visible care for the damage they have done?" And at the same time wondering if we should have cut and run the first time bad behavior was discovered years ago versus trying to repair and continue the marriage. No idea what the right call is for any of us.
As someone who had a pandemic induced divorce I found her descriptions riveting. When her mother tells her to ‘cut him out like a cancer’ she wasn’t wrong! I also loved the parallel love story with her stepmother who really steps up as a solid pillar of strength throughout.
Oh wow - I bet different bits shone out to you, then, we all bring our contexts as readers. (Also I’m so sorry for what must have been a very tough pandemic.) Totally forgot to mention the stepmother, and totally agree - she is a bright spot in the book.
Thank you ♥️
As a very involved stepmother, I appreciate this observation
I LOVED this book - it was one of those that lived up to the hype! I found it so striking that she often described her husband as caring and loving towards the children, but when she described his actual actions and how little he participated in their everyday life, it was a very different picture. As a psychologist, I spent a lot of time thinking about why he left her so abruptly, so surprisingly. There was almost something sociopathic about it. I had the impression that he was wearing the “mask” of the loving husband and father for decades, probably experienced it to be a burden and then when he got the chance, he cast the mask off with evident relief. It’s almost like he saw the chance to get out and leapt at it.
Is your use of the word BURDEN a pun? Yes, he literally walked out of his life without a scratch. It’s completely fascinating. Do you think it’s gendered?
Re whether it’s gendered: yes and no. Based upon what I read in the book and this extreme and aggressive change in his personality from one day to the other, I would assume that the ex has a personality disorder. Women can very much have personality disorders as well, but they often manifest somewhat differently I’d say, because of how men and women have been raised and socialised. His is a very masculine way of behaving in my opinion and the shocking part to me is how several people in their social circle seem to accept it as normal behaviour.
Re the “burden” pun: it was semi intentional - I realised I had written it before hitting send but decided to leave it in and see if anyone spots it 😅
So interesting, thank you Zsófi. It feels like it’s both a patriarchal response (men move, women accommodate) but also one of high society, where, and this is true in aristocracy, too, endless accommodations are made for traumatic behaviour because privacy and elegance - appearance, basically - are the core values
Ooh yes I love the parallel with the British aristocracy - it’s probably a very similar world, I agree and one with its very strict rules - probably very stiff upper lip as well
I don’t think it was as abrupt as Beth made it out to be. You can see the web of positive excuses she weaves on his behalf - like you mentioned, talking about how friendly of a father the husband was, but having to lay out the facts that he never lifted a finger to parents any of the children. She comes off as a “nice”, non-confrontational doormat people-pleaser. My sense is that if you actually looked at that relationship without Beth’s rose colored glasses, his ultimate non-participation would not have been a huge shocker.
People treat you the way you demand to be treated. May I remind you of the sandwich scene. Instead of throwing that sandwich in the floor and telling him he can eat like the swine he is, she decided to make the best sandwich that ever was made to prove she was lovable. That’s just pitiful. He left the house satiated and emboldened. Better if he left hungry, at least he would have respected her.
Yeah, I appreciated the ending of the book - but somewhere around bthe first third I felt like grabbing her and shaking her by the shoulders. The quote pulled out above: “I don’t do bath, bed or homework.” The way in which he just vetoes her taking up a job she’s interested in with no conversation or discussion even though they have plenty of help. The extreme control of her spending - having her annotate her receipts and steal eggs from hotel buffets all while buying Rolexes and motorcycles and boats. And of course the prenup stuff. Mostly I felt like saying - this is not a surprise - he acted selfishly throughout your marriage, why is it a surprise that he acts selfishly when ending it?
I'm a relationship therapist and my read of 'James' seems different to others. I believe it is too simple to write him off as greedy and manipulative. 20 years is a long time to play the long game.
I believe that Henry constructed a mask for himself detailing who he 'should' be, not at all who he was. He picked up messages from his own father of what not to do. He became the opposite, financially secure and stable. He suppressed his true self. He sublimated his rage through over working. Immersing yourself in work is great way to ignore your screaming inner self but it never lasts.
Belle reflects on how she worked hard to give her children the mother that she would have wanted by remaining a stay at home mum. Both of them overcorrected the poor parenting they received.
My sense is that he snapped and he was likely depressed. Depression isn't a sadness, it numbness. A collapsing of self. He wasn't able to uphold the mask. What emerged was a self who angry and destructive. Extreme lack of empathy is common in and around a depressive episode.
I believe what he says, that it wasn't Belle who caused this. The change was within him. She is quite the innocent victim of what happens if you suppress your self and people please your life away.
Thank you so much for sharing your (fascinating) professional opinion. I agree, I don’t think he was deliberately manipulative for 20 years, or even consciously greedy. Selfish, yes - you can’t abscond from parenting to that degree and not be - and the stuff about the money is strange…. I can only imagine he pretended the dynamic didn’t exist; that he had, in fact, bought everything and was truly the sole earner. Anyway, wary as I am to pathologise anyone (and tried not to in my letter) what you say makes absolute sense. Ultimately, and as incredibly weird as this must be for him, right now, he blew up their lives when he claimed a new self. I think she has the right to blow shit up to claim her new self, too.
I am completely in agreement about her right to reclaim a new self. I really enjoyed this book and found her writing compelling and intimate. Thank you for your recommendation.
I think I would find it incredibly difficult to work with him as a therapist. Entirely abandoning your children would really test my ability to remain non judgemental.
I completely agree with your assessment - my ex-husband left in a similar fashion (although we'd been married just three years with no children) and he had definitely constructed a mask of who he thought he should be (and I should be) and under stress, wasn't able to uphold it. I was only able to read this memoir close to 20 years later because of the distance I have from that experience.
My take is that his leaving had nothing to do with depression, or rage, or any untapped internal reckoning. I think it was ALL about one thing and one thing only - money - HER money. From day one when they met and he had found out about her "bona-fides" and her storied family history - all of it, including the speedy courtship, the early love bombing, followed by the pre-nup and the fact that she purchased both their primary and summer residences with her inheritance but put both in his name - it was indeed a 20+ years-long con. All chillingly calculated and executed with only one virtue - patience.
yes, very very calculated. he changed the terms of the prenup in his favor DAYS before the wedding. who would do that.
It’s so satisfying when someone so successfully boils down what makes something land — “it speaks to a collective primal fear: that you can never really know another person.” Astute parting words.
I read this book in one gulp
- think your review is spot on 🙌🏻
Love this review and this book! I listened on audio and was captivated by Burden's voice - it's almost monotone but brimming with pain. Every time she paid for a house I wanted to scream at her.
It’s obviously not funny but in isolation, “every time she paid for a house” is quite something
I also listened to the audiobook and I loved it! I agree about the almost monotone voice and I think it adds to the experience - she comes across as a gentle and introverted person in a lot of pain.
I heard her on the ny times modern love podcast, I couldn’t believe it! The sandwich!!
I couldn’t help but think how different my response would be to that request
Oh my god, the sandwich - how I wanted to jump into the page and her past and tell him where to shove his sandwich!!
Every time we talk about the sandwich I just really wait a great sandwich. Like pastrami and Emmental on sourdough or something similarly American and huge
I did also get hungry whilst reading about it 😂 hangry
lol yes!! I need to read the book to have more context, it seemed so bizarre that it was all so completely unexpected. Hope your oscopys were/are ok, I feel your pain x
It’s not the only really strange bit, tbf. And thank you - so much - have hardly left the house in 2026 and want to detach my stomach and leave it in a basket somewhere, Chaucer style x
Ok I’m definitely going to read, thank you!
Oh poor you, that’s so miserable and I know exactly what you mean about detaching and leaving in a basket! It’s my Achilles heel too. Hope you get some intel or something. That drink for the prep is so gross! x
THE DRINK 🥵🥵🥵
Loved this book and am now taking a memoir class with Belle’s teacher!
Well I want to hear about that!!
I kind of read this book as an indictment of the whole WASPy culture (which I grew up in and ran away from screaming)— that it feels particular to a kind of New England/New York City financial class elite. I have a lot of sympathy for the author — but the book, like the people in it, felt really surface.
100%, and I think she’s very much reckoning with that and sending up herself/ part she played in the process
AGREE. AGREE and AGREE with everything you wrote, and all the passages you called out. I was fuming by the end of it....in part, because I lived through a similar experience--not quite as dramatically awful...but one that altered my entire financial life....I felt as if Belle wasn't just writing for herself--but on behalf of women, generally.
I’m so sorry you went thru something like this! If my blood was boiling, I can’t imagine what yours was doing (what comes after boiling?)
We may need a new word: Something between boiling and spontaneous combustion! And thank you.
Have no idea who any of these people are, but your review makes me wanna pick up the book straight away.
I read this is one night this week and it has completely taken over my brain. I cannot comprehend just up and leaving EVERYTHING. The children. My god it guts me.
These comments are fascinating 👌🏻 we're definitely picking this up!