Thank you for this review. I'm going to get and read this book. Though my grief experience is different (loss of wife from ALS), I completely agree that it has no end. Diminishment perhaps, acceptance hopefully, but no end.
I completely agree. I lost someone very, very close to me from suicide and it is always going to be traumatic. Sometimes I can talk about it and think about it more cerebrally and other times I am pure emotion. It ebbs and flows and never goes away, but the intensity of the grief does very slowly let up over time.
I scored a nice hardcover of this book at a library sale last fall, and it'd just been sitting on my shelf. I admit, I didn't realize what it was about - just that I saw it on someone's top ten list. NOW, with this glowing review - it's going up on my list to read coming up soon!
How lucky am I to be allowed to read such profound, personal things from someone who has gone through experiences I will likely never know the depth of? I read memoir because I am fascinated and humbled by the infinite scape - and scope - of human experience, and our capacity for compassion, cruelty, resilience.
This is exactly how I felt about Wave by Sonali Deraniyagala. One of the most extraordinary books I’ve ever read. Several people I know can’t read it — it’s too raw, too awful to comprehend. But I truly value the writers who go into the depths of their darkest moments like that. It’s a remarkable book and she writes so honestly and truthfully. It’s not an easy read but I will never forget it.
Thanks so much for this review. I will read it now. My darling 23 year old son died 2.5 years ago and my darling husband 14 years ago, and I had thought "not another grief book". You have changed that for me.
The only grief book I've found particularly helpful is Greg Bonano The Other Side of Sadness. Like others have said, grief isn't f*cking stages! It is part of life. Thanks again x
Oh Sarah, what unfathomable loss - some might say unbearable, yet here you are bearing, and with such grace and curiosity. Thank you for that book recommendation, I will check it out. Li is so adamant that her book is *not* a grief book - so intellectual, so incisive, so original, so against sentimentality - I think she would be a balm for you. the way she talks about her ongoing relationship with her sons, despite time. (But as I always say to people grieving when I give them a book, if it makes you feel angry or sad or unseen, just chuck it out the window instantly. No need to dig into the pit.)
Thanks Pandora. Yes, bearing up, striding on, sometimes tip toeing and that's also OK. Appreciate your love.
And oh yes, I always stop if doesn't feel the kindest thing. Since being bereaved, I don't finish books generally if I don't feel like it and I'm OK with that. Too many books I love to spend time beyond a point on ones I don't. Have a decent weekend x
Li's writing is so simple, but effective. I am currently reading another work of hers and find myself captivated by the rationality and boldness of her tone, how she manages to be unafraid of exposing the ugliest parts of life and herself. At the beginning it was a bit jarring, being used to shy away from negative emotions and experiences, but her works force the reader to face a mirror. I am excited to finish it and begin this new recommendation!
The only book of Li's I read before this memoir was The Book of Goose and I actually DNF, it didn't gel for me, but I'm going to go back (and poss try another one.) Also have her New Yorker short stories on my TBR tabs
I loved this - thank you so much! I read Adrift by Miranda Ward (a memoir about almost-motherhood) a few years ago and the way that book has stuck with me!! It’s everything from the way she lays out her story to the way she talks about swimming - which was like reading my thoughts about my own form of escapism exercise, running. Would definitely recommend and would love to hear thoughts - no one I know has ever read it! I saw another commenter post about Wave - I will definitely look that up too. Honestly I love reading your posts about what you read - thank you!
This sounds brilliant, and what a great title as well. I'm ordering it straight away. Since you're a fellow lover of memoir, here are a few I've loved lately (all listened to on Audible, as is my preference when the author narrates):
- Till Death Do Us Part by Lauren Zonfrillo, whose husband Jock Zonfrillo died suddenly when their kids were very young. It's such a beautiful piece and offers practical advice on caring for kids when they've lost a parent
- Last Shot by Jock Zonfrillo, amazing memoir on his own early life and addictions (unrelated to his death as he died of natural causes)
- What She Did Next - Eve Simmons' brilliant divorce memoir (just out last week) on what happened when her husband said he wanted to leave, six months into their marriage
- And I think you said you were about to read this one, but I'm Glad My Mom Died really is excellent. I'm now reading Half His Age on your recommendation! (Also after listening to the brilliant podcast ep with Alex Cooper)
I loved Rob Delaney's memoir too.
For me, part of listening to memoir is understanding other people's pain, which might help me process my own, but I'm not sure. I think it's also just a general curiosity into the real, honest parts of people's lives. We don't see a lot of the real, raw crux of it on Instagram, I guess, so memoir (and podcasts!) are a window into people's vulnerability x
I'm so glad you wrote about this. I loved this book so much; and my belief is that books are meant to stir us - and/or make us feel uncomfortable/sad/heightened at times. Gorgeous x
I’m SO pleased you’ve read it, bc I’ve been dying to talk about it with a friend! When post-pub frenzy has ebbed please can you voicenote me the passages that stuck with you most <3
I read her interview in The Saturday Times mag (or maybe it was the Sunday, I forget) a few weeks ago and both me and my friend, separately, were so jarred by it. Imagine saying, I want none of it, not even my children, and I shall never give you a reason. Give her a goddamn exit speech! Honestly, I applaud her, I'd have gone insane with bafflement. I can see she's had shit tons of press - gonna read her NYT interview next - so I might well give it a try, thank you for the reminder!
Hello Pandora. You’ve written a beautiful, deeply human review. You perfectly capture Yiyun Li’s courage to look into the abyss without sugarcoating it. Thank you for reminding us that literature isn't here for easy answers, but to embrace our vulnerability with dignity and empathy. Bravo! 👏
I’m looking forward to being changed with a capital C by this book but may I also add that this is a wonderful review! I can feel your love for this book in every line and the added context from interviews and reviews make such a complete picture. Thank you Pandora 🥰
As someone who has gone through something I hope nobody else ever will (suicide of a sibling) I read to hope
I can ever understand the pains and horrors my friends will, undoubtedly go through because that’s life. Reading makes people more empathetic. I hope. Then again I did read a book about Nazis the other day that made my
Also just on a cheerier note after this I got sick, read wuthering heights (Jesus) and have really fallen in love with reading again in the sense of reading about perspectives I have no idea about. It’s been a lot of weird stuff but it’s really got me back into it. I did do another nazi book before though, no more. Thank you for making me think reading doesn’t always have to be painful x
Like you, I am changed every time, especially by memoirs. You could say 90pct of my personality IS the last book I read.
"90% of my personality is the last book I read" is 110% a t-shirt I would buy
I have picked this book up and put it down so many times. This has convinced me to actually read and sit with it. Thank you.
Some books are just part of our DNA.
Totally agree! This book blew me away
Thank you for this review. I'm going to get and read this book. Though my grief experience is different (loss of wife from ALS), I completely agree that it has no end. Diminishment perhaps, acceptance hopefully, but no end.
I completely agree. I lost someone very, very close to me from suicide and it is always going to be traumatic. Sometimes I can talk about it and think about it more cerebrally and other times I am pure emotion. It ebbs and flows and never goes away, but the intensity of the grief does very slowly let up over time.
I scored a nice hardcover of this book at a library sale last fall, and it'd just been sitting on my shelf. I admit, I didn't realize what it was about - just that I saw it on someone's top ten list. NOW, with this glowing review - it's going up on my list to read coming up soon!
Adding it to my list of upcoming reads. Thanks for writing about it.
100%:
How lucky am I to be allowed to read such profound, personal things from someone who has gone through experiences I will likely never know the depth of? I read memoir because I am fascinated and humbled by the infinite scape - and scope - of human experience, and our capacity for compassion, cruelty, resilience.
This is exactly how I felt about Wave by Sonali Deraniyagala. One of the most extraordinary books I’ve ever read. Several people I know can’t read it — it’s too raw, too awful to comprehend. But I truly value the writers who go into the depths of their darkest moments like that. It’s a remarkable book and she writes so honestly and truthfully. It’s not an easy read but I will never forget it.
Thank you so much for this tip, I am going to look up Wave now
I also just looked up this book thanks to your comment! It sounds incredible, appreciate the rec.
Thanks so much for this review. I will read it now. My darling 23 year old son died 2.5 years ago and my darling husband 14 years ago, and I had thought "not another grief book". You have changed that for me.
The only grief book I've found particularly helpful is Greg Bonano The Other Side of Sadness. Like others have said, grief isn't f*cking stages! It is part of life. Thanks again x
Oh Sarah, what unfathomable loss - some might say unbearable, yet here you are bearing, and with such grace and curiosity. Thank you for that book recommendation, I will check it out. Li is so adamant that her book is *not* a grief book - so intellectual, so incisive, so original, so against sentimentality - I think she would be a balm for you. the way she talks about her ongoing relationship with her sons, despite time. (But as I always say to people grieving when I give them a book, if it makes you feel angry or sad or unseen, just chuck it out the window instantly. No need to dig into the pit.)
Thanks Pandora. Yes, bearing up, striding on, sometimes tip toeing and that's also OK. Appreciate your love.
And oh yes, I always stop if doesn't feel the kindest thing. Since being bereaved, I don't finish books generally if I don't feel like it and I'm OK with that. Too many books I love to spend time beyond a point on ones I don't. Have a decent weekend x
Oscillating between striding and tip-toeing sounds manifestly sensible/ human/ recommended.
Finished it. I’m very appreciative of your kind recommendation. I will read it over and over I suspect x
Oh I’m so pleased to hear this Sarah 💞
Thank you Pandora x
Li's writing is so simple, but effective. I am currently reading another work of hers and find myself captivated by the rationality and boldness of her tone, how she manages to be unafraid of exposing the ugliest parts of life and herself. At the beginning it was a bit jarring, being used to shy away from negative emotions and experiences, but her works force the reader to face a mirror. I am excited to finish it and begin this new recommendation!
The only book of Li's I read before this memoir was The Book of Goose and I actually DNF, it didn't gel for me, but I'm going to go back (and poss try another one.) Also have her New Yorker short stories on my TBR tabs
I'm reading Dear Friend, from My Life I Write to You in Your Life. A memoir of hers, perhaps you'll enjoy it!
I really enjoyed Wednesday’s Child (short story collection).
I love short stories - will def check that one out, thank you!
I loved this - thank you so much! I read Adrift by Miranda Ward (a memoir about almost-motherhood) a few years ago and the way that book has stuck with me!! It’s everything from the way she lays out her story to the way she talks about swimming - which was like reading my thoughts about my own form of escapism exercise, running. Would definitely recommend and would love to hear thoughts - no one I know has ever read it! I saw another commenter post about Wave - I will definitely look that up too. Honestly I love reading your posts about what you read - thank you!
And I am grateful for readers like you, Amy, who respond to my work with such care and recommend thoughtful books for me to try 🙏🏼
This sounds brilliant, and what a great title as well. I'm ordering it straight away. Since you're a fellow lover of memoir, here are a few I've loved lately (all listened to on Audible, as is my preference when the author narrates):
- Till Death Do Us Part by Lauren Zonfrillo, whose husband Jock Zonfrillo died suddenly when their kids were very young. It's such a beautiful piece and offers practical advice on caring for kids when they've lost a parent
- Last Shot by Jock Zonfrillo, amazing memoir on his own early life and addictions (unrelated to his death as he died of natural causes)
- What She Did Next - Eve Simmons' brilliant divorce memoir (just out last week) on what happened when her husband said he wanted to leave, six months into their marriage
- And I think you said you were about to read this one, but I'm Glad My Mom Died really is excellent. I'm now reading Half His Age on your recommendation! (Also after listening to the brilliant podcast ep with Alex Cooper)
I loved Rob Delaney's memoir too.
For me, part of listening to memoir is understanding other people's pain, which might help me process my own, but I'm not sure. I think it's also just a general curiosity into the real, honest parts of people's lives. We don't see a lot of the real, raw crux of it on Instagram, I guess, so memoir (and podcasts!) are a window into people's vulnerability x
Thank you so much for these, Laura!!
I'm so glad you wrote about this. I loved this book so much; and my belief is that books are meant to stir us - and/or make us feel uncomfortable/sad/heightened at times. Gorgeous x
I’m SO pleased you’ve read it, bc I’ve been dying to talk about it with a friend! When post-pub frenzy has ebbed please can you voicenote me the passages that stuck with you most <3
Yesssss I will do that ❤️
If you need a good memoir that sticks with you try Strangers by Belle Burden. Fascinating marriage/divorce memoir.
I read her interview in The Saturday Times mag (or maybe it was the Sunday, I forget) a few weeks ago and both me and my friend, separately, were so jarred by it. Imagine saying, I want none of it, not even my children, and I shall never give you a reason. Give her a goddamn exit speech! Honestly, I applaud her, I'd have gone insane with bafflement. I can see she's had shit tons of press - gonna read her NYT interview next - so I might well give it a try, thank you for the reminder!
Hello Pandora. You’ve written a beautiful, deeply human review. You perfectly capture Yiyun Li’s courage to look into the abyss without sugarcoating it. Thank you for reminding us that literature isn't here for easy answers, but to embrace our vulnerability with dignity and empathy. Bravo! 👏
I’m looking forward to being changed with a capital C by this book but may I also add that this is a wonderful review! I can feel your love for this book in every line and the added context from interviews and reviews make such a complete picture. Thank you Pandora 🥰
Thank you Deidre!
As someone who has gone through something I hope nobody else ever will (suicide of a sibling) I read to hope
I can ever understand the pains and horrors my friends will, undoubtedly go through because that’s life. Reading makes people more empathetic. I hope. Then again I did read a book about Nazis the other day that made my
Physically sick so 🤷♀️
‘Reading to hope’ is a beautiful comment. I’m so sorry for what you have gone through, Amy. Reading about Nazis is, yes, a less beautiful experience.
Also just on a cheerier note after this I got sick, read wuthering heights (Jesus) and have really fallen in love with reading again in the sense of reading about perspectives I have no idea about. It’s been a lot of weird stuff but it’s really got me back into it. I did do another nazi book before though, no more. Thank you for making me think reading doesn’t always have to be painful x